November 24

When I got to Austin I called Deeanne again.  But something was different, something had changed.  I could hear it in her voice.  She talked to me for awhile about what had transpired while I was gone this time.  I pieced it all together later but the basics went something like this.  First, she did some sort of fake half-hearted suicide attempt, the kind where what you are really saying is “I can’t handle this I need help.”  Take a couple of pills, call someone and tell them goodbye, etc.  This got her admitted to the nearby hospital.  But then she thought of the home answering machine and walked out of the hospital, across the street, around the fence and back to our mobile home and changed the message to make sure that I knew where she was.  The hospital took this as a sign of mental problems and decided to admit her to Shoal Creek in Austin.  Her mom protested to no avail.  She was there for a week or so as I gather, then went back home.  She said it really helped her and suggested that I give it a try.  So I did.

Shoal Creek wasn’t interested.  I wasn’t suicidal and didn’t seem to fit any of their profiles that would enable a stay.  So I called her and told her it didn’t work and that I was going to take a cab and would be there shortly.  And I did.  The cabbie was a bit hesitant since I told him that I would have to pay after I got to my destination which was about forty miles away.  But he gave me a ride any way.  I’m sure it is one that he remembers still.

When we finally pulled into the mobile home park and got to my trailer it was obvious that things weren’t going to go as planned.  There was the ambulance out front with lights flashing, and the police car with lights flashing.  I approached and an officer kindly suggested that I might want to wait in the back seat of his vehicle.  Which I did.  It turns out that Deeanne had attempted suicide again, although it was the usual take some pills, throw the rest down the drain, make sure someone noticed her, etc.  And there was her new boyfriend.  That was certainly a new wrinkle!  Evidently she couldn’t tell me this over the phone, or perhaps she preferred me to see the drama.  Regardless it was one big clusterfuck.  And her mom and dad were there with her dad supposedly walking around with a steak knife threatening to do me bodily harm.  And he was probably just crazy enough to do something like that.

Eventually Pam, our church friend, talked to me outside.  She had talked to Deeanne and explained to me that there was a boyfriend involved, and that Deeanne wasn’t sure if she still loved me.  I couldn’t say that I blamed her.  Evidently she had met David (the new man) in the ‘no sharp objects’ ward of Shoal Creek.  They utilized one of their first opportunities to go off-campus to shack up at a local hotel and get a good fuck session on.  Again, understandable in one sense.  But while I was certainly not operating on all cylinders Deeanne seemed determined to best me in the crazy competition.  Her new boyfriend, unlike her, had actually seriously attempted suicide.  He burned himself all over with a cigar and his dad found him on his knees in the yard, his head up inside a doghouse, a shotgun barrel in his mouth.  So it was becoming clear that I wasn’t just going to move back in this time, that maybe things were over.  My former church members helped me out by giving me a ride back down to Austin so I would have a place to stay.  Evidently none of their homes had a spare couch or bedroom so I was graciously escorted to the Salvation Army shelter.  I checked in and spent the night on a cot amongst a roomful of bums.  I had some time to think.  The next morning I ate plain oatmeal and drank black coffee and walked outside.  I never returned.

I decided to go back to Georgetown and see what sort of temporary work and/or sleeping arrangements I might be able to work out.  So I started walking.  I made it to I-35 and started walking north.  I had a general idea to head to Kip and Amber’s apartment.  As I walked I listened to a small radio I had picked up somewhere along the way.  For some reason every song I heard seemed to be speaking to me directly, especially on the Christian stations.  God (and my conscience) both chastised me and gave me some sort of hope for the future.  I was also trying my hand (and thumb) at hitch-hiking and eventually a car pulled over.  Well, I say ‘car’ but in reality it was one of those VW Thing’s painted with animal stripes, but I wasn’t going to complain.  I said I was headed to Georgetown and the driver said he was too!  Great.  So we got to Georgetown and he asked what part of town I was going to.  I told him the northwest side.  As it turns out, he was heading toward that part of town as well.  Fantastic!  At least I wasn’t putting him out too much.  As we got closer he asked which apartment complex and I attempted to describe it.  He thought it might be the same one he was going to, but we weren’t sure.  I just knew how to get there.  When he finally pulled into the parking lot it was the same building I was going to.  Before I could ask he looked up and waved to someone.  I looked up and saw Kip and Amber waving back.

I was stunned.

I guess even in my currently fucked up state of mind I still saw this as some sort of divine intervention.  In fact it had almost no bearing whatsoever on subsequent events, no significance at all.  If that is God’s idea of giving someone a sign then he’s a sadistic bastard.  But it does make for a great story to tell.
I didn’t stay long and eventually called Deeanne to see if we could sort something out, or if it was worth even trying.  For some strange reason she arranged for me to get into a nearby apartment.  Maybe she was hedging her bets with David, or maybe she just felt sorry for me, I’m not really sure.  It was summer and there was no electricity so I spent a lot of time smoking cigarettes on the very small balcony.  At night I lay on the bare carpet and smoked until I fell asleep.  I needed transportation for work so I walked around town looking for a bicycle.  The only one I found was broken and I soon gave up on the idea.  I walked to my trailer once or twice and tortured myself by imagining what might be going on inside.  I walked to 7-11 for fruit pies and/or sandwich material and soft drinks.

And then it got worse.

On one of my daily walks I was stopped by a police officer and asked to assume the position against the wall of the nearby bank.  I was downtown, on the square, on a major road.  The officer told me that someone had called me in as a suspicious character and that they stated that it looked like I was attempting to burglarize a hardware store.  It was about two in the afternoon on a Sunday.  I protested mainly because I couldn’t believe that the police would think someone would do something so stupid.  I guess I was offended that they thought I might be that stupid.  He asked where I was the night before.  I told him my apartment, except for a trip to the 7-11.  He said that he knew that.  He told me that any officer who saw me was calling it in.

Wow, look at me, a wanted man.  What a crappy situation.

At one other time, possibly before my undercover caper (the memory is fuzzy), I was taken into the police station for questioning.  One officer kept coming into the room, asking me a couple of questions, and then going back into the other room.  He asked about tattoos, I had none.  He asked me why my name kept coming back from the FBI computer as a person of interest.  Eventually it was claimed that it was a different person of the same name, but in retrospect I think they were just fucking with me.  But the message was starting to come through.  I wasn’t welcome in that town any more.

I finally gave up.  I called my parents in Haltom City and they paid for my bus ticket.  Did I mention how I hate buses?  They picked me up and took me home.  My younger brother was living there too, so I got the room my dad was using as a study and slept on a recliner that folded out into a single bed.  I wasn’t finished with Georgetown just yet, but a major chapter in my life was ending, that much was clear.

I took a few days just to get my head on straight and spent a lot of time doing nothing.  Soon I was making appointments and getting temp jobs using dad’s car.  It was the same Mercury Capri I had delivered pizza with back in Georgetown.  At least it had a working battery now.  But since I had a roof over my head and food in the refrigerator I wasn’t exactly desperate any more so I didn’t feel too bad about abandoning jobs that were of the mind-numbing variety.  Like sorting microfiche by hand.  Or boxing up computers on an assembly line.  I would be the world’s worst worker if forced to work the assembly line at an auto manufacturer, even with lenient union rules.  I’d be homeless if that was my only choice.